Is Comfort Really Comforting?

We have all done this.  We all have stories about this.  When we have tried to offer comfort to those who are in need and/or suffering.  What do we say?  How do we offer comfort?  We are called to bear one another's burdens (Gal. 6:2), and to care for those who are in need (1 Thess. 5:14), so we come alongside them and try our best, by God's grace.  Sometimes, that comfort and care isn't received as we intended it and that can make us uncomfortable to care for someone again.  Dr. Amy Baker gives us some wisdom about some different categories of comfort and how we can respond when we are given or receive that comfort.  God is good and sovereign.  His plan for His children isn't destroyed by our mistakes, and it isn't enhanced by our victories.  God is God.  He uses us in His plan, but His plan doesn't depend on what we do or not do, say or not say.  Praise God for that!



When Comfort Isn't Comfort - Part 1

Second Corinthians 1:3-4 proclaims that God comforts us in all our troubles and then instructs us to comfort others. Receiving comfort from our brothers and sisters should be a source of great encouragement to us however, many of us have had just the opposite experience. Words intended by our brothers and sisters in Christ to strengthen us, haven’t encouraged us at all, instead, our burden has increased.

Think of some of the comfort you’ve heard offered to someone in trial. “It could be worse.” “God needed him more than you.” “I’m praying for you.” “I know the right person is out there for you somewhere, just be patient.” “When I finally stopped wanting _______ [you fill in the blank], that’s when God gave it to me.” “It’s not as bad as…” “You need to repent of your sin and then you’ll be healed.” “God is faithful, He won’t give you more than you can handle.” “My brother-in-law’s cousin went to a clinic in _______ [you fill in the blank] and she got well. I’ll find out the name of the clinic for you.” “If you just have enough faith, your trial will go away.” “Trust God, He works everything together for good.”
God is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort (2 Cor. 1:3), but not all the comfort we get (or give) is genuine comfort. Therefore, it’s helpful to distinguish which kind of comfort we have received when others offer solace to us.
I would like to suggest that splitting comfort into 3 different categories can help us respond to comfort appropriately.

Category 1: False comfort.

False comfort seems to make assumptions such as:

• Comfort is found in better circumstances.
• Comfort is found in anticipating a lessening of pain or the end of the trial.
• Comfort is found in the knowledge that things could be worse than they are.
• If I understand ‘why,’ the trial won’t be as painful.

The goal of false comfort is to make you feel better or to make painful feelings go away.
Examples of false comfort might include: “It could be worse.” “God needed him more than you.” “I know the right person is out there for you somewhere, just be patient.” “It’s not as bad as…” “My brother-in-law’s cousin went to a clinic in _______ [you fill in the blank] and she got well. I’ll find out the name of the clinic for you.”
Although on some occasions false comfort may temporarily lift our burden, false comfort falls far short of genuine comfort. In many cases, false comfort fails to provide any comfort at all, and in some situations, false comfort increases the burden of suffering. False comfort is not truly comforting.

Category 2: The comfort of Job’s comforters.

Job’s comforters believe that suffering is a result of personal sin. Thus, if you will repent of your sin, your suffering will end.
Job’s comforters seem to make assumptions such as:

• Bad things only happen as a result of wrongdoing.
• If you do right, nothing bad will happen to you.
• Doing righteous works will result in an improved situation. God can be controlled by righteous works.
• Figure out what you did wrong, repent, and the suffering will end.

Examples of comfort from Job’s comforters might include: “When I finally stopped wanting _______ [you fill in the blank], that’s when God gave it to me.” “You need to repent of your sin and then you’ll be healed.” “If you just have enough faith, your trial will go away.”
While some of what Job’s comforters say may be true, it is certainly not true in all situations for all people. Additionally, it seems that Job’s comforters have the same goal as those who offer false comfort – hope is found in the trial or pain being removed. As with category 1, the comfort of Job’s comforters is not truly comforting.
I would propose that comfort given with the goal of simply removing pain, while spoken out of genuine kindness, is nevertheless inferior to the comfort our loving Savior would like for us to offer. My reasons for believing such comfort to be inferior are because 2 Corinthians 1 would lead me to conclude that genuine comfort is intended to strengthen us to endure (vs. 6) and equip us to praise God (vs. 3). Comfort intended to do this would be my third category of comfort. I’ll explore this more in my next post. Ironically however, even when we receive genuine comfort we sometimes fail to be comforted. Also in my next post I’ll explore why even genuine comfort sometimes isn’t comforting.

When Comfort Isn't Comforting - Part 2

In my last post (When Comfort Isn’t Comforting, Part 1), I explored two kinds of comfort which I believe are not truly comforting. Today I want to investigate why even genuine comfort fails to comfort as it should. As I said in my previous post, 2 Corinthians would lead me to conclude that genuine comfort is intended to strengthen us to endure (vs. 6) and equip us to praise God (vs. 3). This brings me to my third category of comfort – genuine comfort.

Category 3: Genuine comfort.

From 2 Cor. 1:3-12 it seems to me that genuine comfort includes things such as:

• Encouraging others to godly endurance (vs. 6).
• Encouraging reliance on God (vs. 9).
• Entering the trial with the sufferer by praying for God’s gracious favor for the sufferer (vs. 11).
• Encouraging the sufferer to remember God’s power being applied for the good of the sufferer (vs. 9).
• Encouraging the sufferer to trust in God for deliverance (vs. 10).

The result of genuine comfort should equip the sufferer to praise God.
Examples of genuine comfort might include: “I’m praying for you.” “God is faithful, He won’t give you more than you can handle.” “Trust God, He works everything together for good.”
Ironically, even when we receive genuine comfort we sometimes fail to be comforted. On such occasions we may reason that the comforter “just doesn’t understand” or that “he’s never been through what we’re going through.”
Certainly, others can be insensitive in their use of God’s word (as can we). Certainly others can offer comfort in a wrong way (as can we). So, we need to understand that there are different kinds of comfort, but at the same time, let’s be careful not to refuse comfort when we should accept it.
God clearly intended for others to be able to offer us comfort even if they have never gone through the suffering we are experiencing. Notice that in 1 Cor. 1:4 we’re told to comfort others in any trouble with the comfort we’ve received from God. If I have received God’s comfort in any trouble in my life, I can give genuine comfort to others. Why? Because it’s God’s comfort – not my comfort. I can comfort others in any trouble they might experience with God’s comfort.
If I’m going to be honest here, I have to admit that sometimes people give me God’s comfort and I refuse to be comforted by it. Why? Perhaps God’s comfort doesn’t comfort me because in my heart all I really want is relief. But God doesn’t spell comfort, R-E-L-I-E-F. God spells comfort, C-H-R-I-S-T.
That’s the thing about suffering. When I’m not comforted by God’s comfort it may be that an idol is ruling my heart. Suffering leaves my heart naked and bare. It reveals what I’m living for. Too often when the light is shown on my heart, it finds I’m in a brothel prostituting myself with an idol I believe will do something for me.
Maybe I’ve hopped in bed with ease.
Maybe I’ve hopped in bed with control.
Maybe I’ve hopped in bed with pleasure.
Maybe I’ve hopped in bed with prestige.
And when the vice squad of suffering comes and flips on the light in my heart, what is revealed is a tawdry affair with a false god.
And as that false god is torn from my grip through suffering, I mourn. I mourn – not over having forsaken the true and living God – but that I can’t have my idol any longer. And God’s comfort doesn’t comfort, it enrages.
But as we look for God’s comfort out of a genuine love for our Savior, we can expect it to be more than enough to meet the need. God’s comfort coming to God’s people who love God’s Son is so comforting that the comfort overflows (vs. 5). Through Christ our comfort overflows (vs. 5). The comfort is so abundant that it can’t be contained.
So, how should we respond to each type of comfort? Here are my suggestions. When given false comfort, use it as an opportunity to grow in graciousness. With Job’s comforters, examine yourself and see if there is any area in which you need to repent and change. With genuine comfort, be comforted and praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.